I grew up in a super strict, religious, Asian household, with high standards and a strong emphasis on having a flawless reputation. 

The one question that would make my heart sink every time as a child, was this: 

“How was school?” 

My go to answer would always be, “good”.

Then when asked to elaborate on what “good” meant.

I wouldn’t open up because of fear.

Tony Robbins explained this fear that all humans share, which is. 

1. A fear of not being loved.

2. A fear of not being enough. 

Consequently, these two fears started to filter my perspective, behaviors, my decisions or lack of decisions as I journeyed on my life.

I started procrastinating.

Everything had to be perfect otherwise I’d avoid doing what I needed to do.

Overthinking was my norm and I’d give up easily.

It also led to isolation, anxiety, self-sabotage and negative self-talk. 

I didn’t want to fail in school. 

I didn’t want to fail in my religious duties. 

I didn't want to fail my family. 

Looking back at my previous self, I extend so much compassion and love to her because failure used to be the scariest thing.

It felt like the end of the world if I were to fail.

So, the safest solution was to avoid this at all costs, which meant choosing stagnancy and not taking any chances or risks. 

Unfortunately, this is an experience that many of us face. 

The fear of failure can immobilize us, to the point where even taking a small step towards change can be terrifying. 

Failure as a Skill

Oftentimes, we’re taught and fed the message of how to succeed.

Seldomly, are we taught how to fail. 

However, failure is a skill, just like anything else. 

The thing that I used to fear the most, became my most valuable teacher. 

Here are a few things that it taught me:

1.  It develops your character.

It teaches you patience and you’re able to remain grounded even when things haven’t shown up yet. You build resilience and humility. You’re able to cope better with different challenges in your life and you remain humble in the knowing that there is always room to learn and grow.

2. You have a stronger and sweeter appreciation for success.

When things do start falling into place, you have a grander sense of appreciation and gratitude for yourself, because of the effort and growth that you put into it. 

3. It promotes innovation and creativity.

When things go awry, it challenges your mind to think outside the box. Your mind can spark new ideas, different approaches to things that contribute to your self-evolution.

4. It helps you redirect and re-evaluate your goals, strategies and priorities.

You gain clarity by experiencing firsthand what doesn’t work. This allows you to redirect your energy and efforts in an efficient manner that aligns you to paths that work better with your strengths and passions. 

In this letter, I’m going to be showing you how to lose in a way that you can win.

This letter actually expands from a topic in a separate newsletter titled “How to Win the Ultimate Game: Life”, so if you want to read that, you can check it out right here.

Acceptance & Acknowledgement

First things first, when we experience failure in life, I believe it is very important to honor, acknowledge and accept your emotions.

However, to be intentional and conscious to not dwell on it and identify yourself as the failure itself.

Failing effectively means learning from it.

This includes treating yourself kindly and compassionately.

Not bullying or beating yourself up over it.

It is part of the process to make mistakes, this is how we learn to correct ourselves.

However, if we linger on the mistakes and dwell on the negative feeling states associated with that event, we start to form or solidify even further a self-image of being a failure, thus starts to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

The next time you experience a loss or a mistake, give yourself the grace to accept and regulate your emotions, pick yourself up and keep moving forward. 

The Fixed vs Growth Failure Gap 

When we experience failure, depending on our mindset and self-image we uphold, our view on failure can completely affect the trajectory of our lives.

So here is a visualization I created to explain this. 

Those that hold a fixed view on failure, see failure as a reflection of their inner limitations.

The gap between trying new things gets slimmer and slimmer and eventually to none at all.

Instead of progressing forward, their view on failure regresses them back.

Those that hold a growth view on failure, see failure as an opportunity to expand and grow into their potential.

They progress forward with the new lessons they learnt. 

For them, the line of potential expands into infinity, widening the gap for potential to be realized, for everything is always a steppingstone to greatness. 

The Importance of Reframing Failure 

Now why is this important? 

This is so important because we are responsible for the meaning, we assign to the failures we experience in our life. 

In fact, we are responsible for the meaning we give to everything in our life.

Dependent on what we make those experiences mean, either dictate what our following behaviors will be, and our life is contingent upon the behaviors, mindset and beliefs we uphold.

So, if we make failure mean that we are incapable, that we are not good enough or that nothing works out for us, we are limiting ourselves.

No one else is placing those walls around us, except us. 

We want to reframe how we view failure.

We want to see failure as the very thing that is getting you closer to where you want to be, not further away from it. 

3 Reflective Questions to Ask Yourself

Next, we want to reflect on the experience itself and ask these 3 questions. 

1. Why did I fail?

This question invites you to get to the root causes and tackle head on the reasons that caused the failure in the first place. 

2. What could I have done better?

Through this, you embrace the opportunity to constructively look at yourself and pinpoint areas for improvement moving forward.

3. How am I going to do better next time and make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Transformation lies in this question. By answering this, you can start to outline actionable steps, plans or strategies that you can use that will help you avoid the previous mistakes you’ve made.

The insights you gain from this reflective exercise are invaluable.

By doing this, you can reiterate, refine and nurture your evolution.

These questions can be applied in any area of your life. 

Adapting and Persistence

Here is a simple formula for success:

Failure + Persistence = Success.

We don’t become successful immediately after our first try. 

It’s a continuous ride of failing, adapting and persisting.

Once you learn how to fail effectively, and persevere, then you'll succeed indefinitely. 

The ability to adapt is the bridge that follows the first few steps of acceptance, reframing failure and reflection.

A core trait of adaptation is the ability to be flexible.

There are infinite ways for how things can unfold for you and flexibility of your approach is such an integral part of this process.

When you are flexible, you open your perspective and consider multiple viewpoints that allow you to respond effectively to challenges or circumstances. 

This adaptability sets you up for long term success, for things are always changing and evolving.  

Now persistence, tied with everything else, is the powerful driver that will keep you moving forward, no matter what is going on in your life. 

Persistence is the final ingredient to achieving your goals.

By being persistent, you naturally start to have grit and discipline. 

There is no way that you can fail, if you don’t give up. 

Quick Recap

First, is to accept and acknowledge your emotions but don’t dwell and identify as the failure.

Second, is to reframe failure as something that is working for you, not against you.

Third, is to reflect on the experience and extract the lessons from it. 

Lastly, is to adapt and persist. Implement the lessons, be flexible with your approach and don’t give up. 

I’ll always be cheering you on.

You got this!

Love,

Clarity.