Two years ago, I read the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

One of the agreements that he teaches in this book is to “not take things personally.”

This is a lot easier said than done, specifically for those who value the voices and actions of others over their own and use it as a basis to measure your self-worth, value and happiness. 

This used to be me. 

To highlight the massive shift in my identity and what taking things personally looked like, here is an old self-reflective exercise that I wrote after reading this book. 

Now reading this reflection, two years later, is so interesting because my mindset, my perspective has completely changed, for the better. 

When you take things personally, you subject yourself to live a tiring and painful life of reactivity offering little room for a strong sense of self. 

Everything you experience is made to be about you. 

This is one of the hardest parts about being human. 

We navigate through the world and create personal meanings to what we experience.

The personal meanings that we give to these experiences are filtered through past events, existing wounds and limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves and other areas of our life.

Instead of forming a healthy detachment to the opinions or actions of others, we tend to resort to self-blame and self-importance.

Deconstructing Our Conditioning

Why do we do this? 

Well, many of us have been conditioned to believe that we are responsible for everything such as the emotions and actions of others yet, this isn’t what true responsibility actually looks like.

Furthermore, we build a strong emotional attachment to our belief systems and anything that questions those things, can feel like a threat or an attack on your identity or ego. 

Society and our cultures have ingrained in us to gain external validation and approval from others as a means to measure our self-worth and image. 

If your self-esteem is contingent on what others think of you, you can become easily shaken from any sort of statement, regardless of whether it is negative feedback or a compliment. 

The fact that your mood and self-image is based on the opinions that others have of you, sets you up for a life of emotional turbulence and suffering. 

When you learn to not take things personally, the quality of your life drastically improves. 

You’re not living at the mercy of external events or other people thus making space for inner peace, emotional freedom and resilience. 

What we find personal, is a cue for self-reflection and growth. 

What we find impersonal, is a sign of our resilience in not letting external factors affect us.

Something I’ve learnt for myself is that when something triggers me from an interaction I had with another person, those are the very aspects of myself, I laser in on healing, without placing the blame on them.

Truly, it was not them hurting me.

It was actually me hurting myself, based on the unresolved wounds within me. 

So, how did I overcome this?

Everyone Has Their Own Interpretation Of Reality.

First is understanding that everyone has their own interpretation of reality. 

We’re each perceiving the world from a unique viewpoint that is shaped through our beliefs, experiences and emotions.

It’s important to understand that people’s reactions or behaviors are a reflection of their inner state, just as your reactions or behaviors are a reflection of your inner state. 

With this in mind, it’s easier to understand why what people say or do aren’t truly about you but are based on their own inner world. 

When others express negativity towards you, you don’t have to internalize what they say or do.

Instead, you can look at the other person’s perspective and come from a place of understanding that this behavior is rooted in their own respective journey which may hold limiting beliefs or wounds within them.

This in itself can maintain your emotional wellbeing and harmony.

Be Responsible For Yourself.

Second, is being responsible for yourself.

We are responsible for our own happiness, thoughts, behaviors and actions.

It is also our responsibility for how we interpret and respond to whatever is going on in our lives. 

This is our power. 

The fact that we can choose to respond, instead of reacting, can alter the course of events that happen afterwards.

One of the greatest things I’ve implemented in my life are strategies to help deal with my own triggers. 

When something negatively triggers me, I always take the time to regulate my emotions by first, removing myself and managing my state of being through nervous system regulation. 

My go to is always breath-work, meditation or movement. 

Taking the time away to take a breather, makes it easier to communicate or to simply let your ego settle down. 

Once I’ve reached emotional regulation, it’s a lot easier to see things objectively. 

Our thoughts are naturally congruent with the feeling state in our bodies. 

When we are not feeling safe in our own bodies, we start thinking intrusive thoughts. 

If we dwell in that state and don’t do anything to shift ourselves out of it, this is how things can get worse. 

So, prioritize your emotional stability and be gentle with yourself. 

Build Your Self-Image.

Last, is to build your self-image. 

When you have a strong sense of self and work on building healthy beliefs, you are less likely to be affected by the actions or opinions of other people. 

The things that trigger you actually show you what you truly believe about yourself at a core level. 

A stranger can come up to you and say mean things like,” You are stupid”" or “You are not worthy”.

However, if you know who you are and you hold healthy beliefs like “"I am smart" or “"I am worthy”, then whatever people tell you, is just going to bounce off of you like nothing. 

You are immune to it, because it is not true for you.

What you truly believe about yourself at a foundational level, will override any opinions or statements that others present to you in reality. 

However, if someone came up to you and said those same negative things and you hold subconscious beliefs that like ““I’m not deserving” and “I lack confidence”, then you’re going to take it personally because at some level you do believe that to be true about yourself. 

Your self-image dictates how you respond to different scenarios in your life.

You want to ensure that you are always working on building a healthy self-concept in order to have a solid foundation of self-worth and self-assurance. 

In conclusion, when we personalize external events and mold our self-image, tie our self-worth to the views and opinions of other people, we'll keep ourselves trapped in a life of fear, sadness and even hatred. 

But when you understand that everyone is experiencing their own interpretation of reality, from their inner world, while also being responsible for yours, you can live life openly and immune to whatever is happening around you. 

This perspective brings liberation and inner peace, making it one of the most valuable choices you can make.

I hope this letter was helpful for you.

Till next time.

Love,

Clarity.