December of 2023, my life changed overnight. 

From running freely, to forgetting how to walk. 

From seeing the world with my eyes, to seeing nothing. 

From complete control over my body, to paralysis and seizures. 

Even as I write this down, parts of me are still processing that this is even real.  

I used to believe that I was invincible. 

Nothing can get in the way of what I wanted, at least that's what I thought. 

Until the day came when I was discharged from hospital and was formally diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder.

Understanding FND

Functional Neurological Disorder is a problem with the functioning of the nervous system and how the brain fails to send or receive signals properly. 

It can affect anyone, regardless of age, and for many, including myself, the symptoms are severe, life-altering, and debilitating.

Each day has been different with this condition.

Some days are better than others, but most are pretty bad.

On good days, I'm excited because my normal functional self is back, but then I'm reminded to savor it because I just don't know how long it’ll last.

On bad days, it's just that, bad.

I can hardly function.

My limbs and eyes lock, sometimes I forget how to speak, I'm wheelchair or bed-bound and I'll constantly faint or have seizures.

Identity Dissonance

This whole journey has been a whirlwind of emotions. 

In a way, this illness still feels like it doesn’t belong to me.

It’s like my being has been split into two.

My normal, able-bodied self that I have always known my whole life that’s slowly slipped away, and the other part, a disabled body that I barely even know that quickly came into my life. 

In this struggle for coherence, the one thing that’s been able to help me bridge the two, is understanding both realities and life from both ends of the spectrum.

My journey of self-improvement has led me to the realization that identity is an illusive, fluid concept, that transcends external conditions. 

I've learned that the core essence of who I am goes beyond the limitations imposed by my medical condition, for I’m the changeless witness within. 

However, embracing this philosophy becomes a challenge when I’m faced with the tangible pain and loss of control over my physical body.

It's during these moments of vulnerability that the dissonance between my past and present selves becomes most prevalent.

Holding these two ideas in my brain has been challenging to handle and it came with different stages, which I could imagine may have been a similar experience for those who also had their life changed in such a big way. 

Being Human

Right after being diagnosed, I forgot about everything I've learnt about being present.

All my years of working on my anxiety, self-esteem and confidence went out the window. 

I was in denial, I was angry and I was grieving. 

This loss changed and tested me, and that is okay. 

As humans, sometimes we forget that life is unpredictable and we’ll experience setbacks out of our control.

For so long, I’ve learnt the tools to be strong but this time around, I succumbed to the feeling of being small.

I sat with it and dwelled on thoughts like, 

“I’m going to be a burden on everyone I love and care about”

“My future is gone now, I can’t live out my dreams anymore”

“This is too embarrassing, I can’t face anyone”

This led me down a familiar spiral I experienced before I started self-improvement, which reminded me of why I ultimately started this journey to begin with. 

I was reminded to return to self-compassion and patience. 

I was reminded of the simple tools that allowed me to feel safe in my body. 

I was reminded to surrender to the present moment.

I was reminded that this too, is something I can overcome and is an opportunity to embrace the challenge in adversity.

I was reminded that there is always something to learn or gain from this experience.

I was reminded that my worth is inherent and nothing could ever take that away from me.

Not even my own body or self-judging thoughts that would simply change again.

I was reminded to not give up. 

From this, I found the inner light that I had dimmed. 

Finding Strength in Every Step

As I navigate this new road laid before me, I hold onto the awareness that with every step, I possess the power of choice.

While acknowledging the challenges that accompany this new normal, I empower myself and refuse to let them define me.

In sharing this journey with you, I hope to shed light on the complexities of living with a chronic condition and inspire others to find resilience and self-compassion within each of us. 

Together, we can find strength in vulnerability, courage in adversity, and hope in the face of uncertainty. 

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.

Love,

Clarity.